I screamed at God.
WHY did I have to go through this?
WHY would he let me live for this?
WHY not just let me die instead of feeling this pain?
I’ve been through a lot the past few years or so. I lost a second baby. I survived a 30ft tree falling ON ME. My current pregnancy had already given me a few scary months. I thought I was done with all of the major heartache, the physical and emotional pain. I didn’t know that the worst days of my life had not yet happened. God was truly preparing me to get through it all along.
I WANTED TO DIE.
It was a Friday last spring when I found out my marriage was ending. I was about 25 weeks pregnant and home alone with my big kids. So many emotions came and went and I just kept thinking about my 3 little ones. I couldn’t bare the thought of how their lives were being completely changed and they had no idea.
In the first days I could barely move out of the living room chair. I laid there bawling. Uncontrollably. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t drink. I couldn’t sleep. I barely functioned. My big kids were 5 and 8 and were very understanding when I said it was just about grownup stuff and that I just needed to rest.
The second day, my kids went to a birthday party with their dad. One we were supposed to go to together. I had to make up an excuse to my kids about why I was missing a family outing.
A friend came to keep me company. I really had not eaten much the previous 24 hours so she picked up a big meal for me on the way. It took me an hour to get through about 1/4 of the sandwich. The rest was thrown away. I was way too broken to even be able to eat. And that never happens. Especially during a pregnancy.
The next day I was given a bit of time to go get some groceries. Thankfully I was smart and asked my brother to join me. I couldn’t get through the shopping so he got me seated and finished for me. I thought I was going to be alright.
As we walked to checkout -I thought I could do it- I collapsed. That was the first time anyone outside of Facebook knew what I was going through. “She’s pregnant.” “She hasn’t eaten.” “Her husband just left her.” “She just collapsed.” I can’t totally remember what was said by the group surrounding me, but I know those basic details were shared. I felt a little comfort in a childhood friend showing up.
When I collapsed, I was dizzy, my vision blurred. Total weakness. I was taken out on a stretcher. My brother went to pay for my groceries. I had next to no food in the house so it had to be taken home to the kids.
In the ambulance, I was met with an incredibly insensitive, rude paramedic. He said it was nothing. Basically made me out to be overreacting from a *little* stress. I should have made sure he got a message that everything wasn’t okay because I walked out of that ambulance, barely getting to my car. I had to be carried to another vehicle to be driven to the hospital where I found that not only was my body reacting negatively, but so was baby’s. His heart rate was scary.
I went home hours later. I insisted on not leaving my home and I was told the kids’ Dad would stay that night as I was not to move from the couch. Basically bed rest until seeing my OB the next day. Even if I wanted to, I wasn’t physically able to. I had to be walked to the bathroom and back to the couch. Then I was left. Alone. Well, I was on the couch and the big kids were in bed. They knew if they needed me in the night they had to come to me. That was an awful, scary night. And, as the two previous nights, only consisted of maybe two hours of sleep.
Prayer and family changed things.
My family got me around to the follow up appointments to check on my health and baby’s. It got even scarier as I was unable to eat for about a week, maybe two. Everything was disgusting, made me sick, even to the point of gagging. I couldn’t handle it on top of the stress and heartache. I was physically weak and absolutely terrified of losing my baby after everything he had overcome. Thankfully we both ended up being okay.
I’ve been a believer forever. I already knew prayer could change things and I have seen and felt it happen so many times in my journey this past year.
I wanted to die.
I didn’t want to feel the pain I was feeling.
I didn’t think I could handle it. BUT – I didn’t want to leave my children. I never COULD have and never WOULD do anything that would hurt them even more than our divorce.
Through the help of my family and so many prayers, I took one baby step at a time. To keep healthy for myself and baby. To continue caring for my big kids. To focus all of my energy on giving my kids what they needed. Every single decision was thoroughly thought through to be sure it was the best choice for the sake of my kids.